God has completely wrecked my world. My comfortable, perfect little world. He has absolutely turned it upside down in a way my heart feels like it can not handle. To say I feel completely out of control is an understatement. The countless tears, anger, and sadness that have swept over me the past couple of days is crippling. When I have the time to just sit with my own thoughts, I tend to cry out to God, “Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Why are you taking away every good thing from me?” As a human, it has been so HARD understanding what He is doing. It is HARD to understand that He knows exactly what He is doing. It is SCARY not knowing what the future holds. I use to have so much security and comfort, but maybe that was the problem.
Lately, I felt like my life could not have been better. I felt as if things were going so good for me. I was overcoming my fears, trying new things, making accomplishments- anything that was making me feel good about myself. I have been heavily relying on these external factors to give me feelings of worthiness. These things are GREAT, but was I really giving God the glory for these things? Was I even listening to Him as to whether He wanted me to have these things?
…..but if not, He is still good.
“Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised.” Job 1:21
I did not come into this world deserving of anything. a n y t h i n g. That, to me, is a hard concept to grasp. We are always hearing things in the media about our human rights and what we deserve- but do we really deserve anything? We did not bring a single thing into this world, so what makes us worthy of having anything at all? God’s amazing grace and love allows us to sometimes receive these things if it be God’s will, but we should never take these things for granted. He can take back anything, anytime He wants. He does not take away to be a “mean” or “unjust” God. He has his reasons- and sometimes it is to get our attention.
Sometimes, God takes away the very thing that we thought was bringing us closer to Him. That is how blind we can be. He wants us completely dependent on Him. Not ourselves, not other people- fully and explicitly Him.
God, I am on my knees. I choose to open my eyes to You, where my help is found. God, I need you to heal my heart. I need you and all of your goodness to hold me in the palms of your hands during this new path I am about to take in life.You know the ultimate plan for my life. You know who it will include and who it will not. I know that You give and You take away and I beg you take away anything in my life that does not steer me towards you. I trust in your promises.
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks yours
Everything I am for Your kingdom’s cause
As I walk from earth into eternity