The doctor sat me down with my parents. At this point, I was in a constant state of humiliation and indignity; I couldn’t even look anyone in the eyes. Shortly after, the doctor said “You have one of the worst cases of bulimia we have ever seen.”
My heart dropped. I was weak. I cried. I felt hopeless and scared. I was sick. My body had started shutting down in ways that were unexplained. And the worst part of it- I had brought it all upon myself.
After entering into a full-time treatment center (and on the record, this was totally kept in secret), I slowly (and I mean SLOWLY) started to learn what my eating disorder really meant.
How does someone come to bring upon them self such a deadly and self-destructive behavior? Let’s be real, no one wakes up one day and says they are going to get addicted to (insert name of drug here) or become an alcoholic. In the same way, I never imagined I would end up with an eating disorder that would take over my life.
Whether it is self-harm, drugs, alcohol, sex, food or lack there of, self-destructive behaviors come from trying numb or distract ourselves from a certain feeling, even if you can’t pinpoint what exactly it is.
Having an eating disorder distracted me from the exploitation, unworthiness, and insufficiency I felt. I would be so preoccupied with food, exercise, numbers on a scale, and how I looked in pictures that I would distract myself from these very real feelings. The eating disorder itself would leave me feeling so exhausted and physically incapable of dealing with anything else.
I had given my mind, body, and soul to something that would leave me feeling more and more hopeless every day. After the high faded, my depression worsened, and I sunk into a deeper black pit.
Nevertheless, after SIX years, approximately 2,190 days, the Lord redeemed my story. He completely healed my mind and body. After cursing His name many nights, after begging Him to take it all away, after insulting Him by doubting His goodness…
Do you have chills yet?
Suffering is a ministry. Even our self-built prison walls can be used for God’s glory. Our pain is a unique invitation to understand others. The Holy Spirit lives inside of us and leads us to where our story will further the Kingdom in the most extensive ways.
You are not too far gone. In fact, thinking this very thought is prideful. It is doubting God’s ability to bring you from death to life.
Marvelously loved one, Jesus knew your struggles before you did. There is absolutely nothing accidental about your story. He heals and redeems so that you can experience His WHOLENESS. The King of the Universe strikes you with an electricity to be BRAVE with your life, with your struggles, with your insecurities… all you need to do is ask for it.
I want you to think about a couple of things:
- What is holding you captive?
- Are you praising The Most High through a current storm?
- Are you sharing your victories with others who need you?
- Have you thanked God for bringing you through a certain trial?
Just because we are at the end, PLEASE… I beg you. PLEASE do not skip this part. Out of everything said, this is the most important.
2 Peter 3:9 (NIV) “The Lord is not slow in keeping His promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.”
He does not want you to perish. He is waiting to help you. He is not slow in helping you. He is patient. He knows exactly what you are going to go through and He knows exactly how your story will be redeemed. Do not let the length of time of a suffering discourage you. Surely, the Lord will keep His promise to you.
Do not destroy your soul for a peace of mind you will never achieve outside of Jesus.