“Anyone who meets a testing challenge head-on and manages to stick it out is mighty fortunate. For such persons loyally in love with God, the reward is life and more life.” James 1:12
Last year, I went through a break-up that brought me closer to God than I could have ever imagined. After the healing process, I ran to my mentor and friend Katie Bulmer and said “I need God to break my heart again. That’s when I felt closest to Him. I need that again.” And I prayed for it. I literally prayed to God to break my heart. Little did I know that my heart would break in a way that feels completely unreal and unwelcomed.
Two weeks ago, I lost my best friend- my mom. Although I have a joy and peace that she is dancing in the gates of heaven, my heart feels like it is being crushed every second of every day. I have been stretched emotionally, mentally, and spiritually these past six months far more than I could have ever asked for. Trying to live life normally does not exist, because life is not normal anymore. This time, being close to God has not come so easily. It has been something I have had to fight for. Quite frankly, the cracks in my heart have been filled with anything but Jesus. They have been filled with bitterness and guilt.
Grieving is authentically hard. Jumping right back into school after such a life-change is very tough to endure. Mourning makes you feel like a ghost of yourself.
I do not have much to offer in this season of life right now. I do, however, intend to finish this race with my eyes set on the cross. I choose to stick it out. The Bible instructs us to not let our hearts wander off. I will find more comfort and strength in Him than I will ever find in the world. I have my faith and a secure foundation. Jesus will not fail me, leave me hanging, or forget about me. He cares about my heart so much and will not let it be hardened if I stay close to him. Scripture provides a guide for a time such as this:
“When troubles come and all these awful things happen to you, in future days you will come back to God, your God, and listen obediently to what he says. God, your God, is above all a compassionate God. In the end he will not abandon you, he won’t bring you to ruin.” Deuteronomy 4: 29-31
Seek Him with your whole heart, in the good times and in the hard times.